Tatemae
While traveling around Japan, my friends introduced me to the word: tatemae. It has no direct English translation, but it literally means "built in front." It refers to the facade people present to please others or avoid confrontation. This contrasts with honne, which describes a person’s true feelings.
As foreigners navigating this cultural nuance, my friends often find themselves second-guessing whether the people around them are being genuinely honest or merely putting on a front.
Reflecting on the meaning of this word for me, I realized how I’ve sometimes built my own facades to navigate relationships and environments. While tatemae is culturally ingrained in Japan, my version—untethered from cultural norms—is rooted in my habit of people-pleasing. Sometimes, in creating a version of myself designed to meet the expectations of others, I’ve said yes when I should’ve said no, and I’ve avoided confrontation when I should’ve been honest. Ironically, in trying to avoid discomfort, I created unease within myself.
In past therapy sessions, my therapist has asked me:
“What are the stories you tell yourself about the person you need to be?”
“What are the preprogramming and habits that no longer serve you?”
Learning to untangle these internalized narratives has been a gradual process—choosing kindness over niceness and sitting with the discomfort of vulnerability.
What happens when you’re completely honest?
What happens when you’re fully in tune with yourself?